Indispensable or replaceable?

Are we indispensable or just easily replaceable?

Have we overfed our shallow egos into thinking that the office, home or partners just can't make it without us?

Truth is that we are all easily replaceable because nothing we do in our daily lives is that "unique." Some individuals may go above and beyond their call of duty, or whatever that means. But who is the one calling? Is it the outside world or the ego? "Above and beyond" is not listed in any job qualifications, just an added benefit and choice we make. Who benefits? Is it altruism?

Perhaps unconsciously we are all thinking of taking the place someone else holds. I don't mean this in a negative way, just a thought. I mean, who doesn't think of moving up, getting a promotion, replacing the current champion? Those precious #1, the champs, are replaced and become a memory and an entry in history books. 

Parents, friends, bosses, even lovers are replaceable. We may fool ourselves into thinking that what we have is all that there is, but there's always someone else around the corner to be the substitute for a role. And we continue the cycle of feeding each-other's egos.

A cruel replacement is that of "impossible dreams" that are downgraded to just mere "happy thoughts" worth entertaining until they are completely decimated by the cruelty of reality. Some dreams just die without the opportunity to be replaced.

Windows

If you think windows are not important, try living without one.

Each morning I go to work before sunrise. I don't get to see much of the sun, other than sometimes a pinkish sky. Then I go in to my office and settle in for the at least 8 hour day. There are no windows nor doors that let the sunshine in near me. The only time I can maybe "escape" is if I go to the front office and sit at the lunch table with negative individuals and pretend to grade papers so I can see the light.

Throughout the day I encounter issues and drama that drain me emotionally and mentally and there's no "escape" for that. It's not like I can look out a window at "leisure". At the end of the day I go to night school, so don't even get to catch a sunset either.

Why are we so cruel to ourselves and deprive our lives of sunlight? Even inmates, people who are not good for society have the right to breath fresh air at least one hour a day. 

Off to see the great w..... nevermind

Who would've thought I that I would have the same idea as a pack-full theater of suburban moms? Been planning this escapade for a while, anxiously waiting for Oz:The Great and Powerful. I arrived early for the 9:30am showing, but that did not guarantee me a good seat.

The theater was packed with moms and their kids eating popcorn for breakfast. At least the audience was well-behaved, but that was no movie for small children, not to mention babies!

The movie starts off a bit slow. James Franco is not very believable as the magician or eventually, as the "great wizard." The writers made Oz a womanizer, which is a bit awkward. He could have been flawed in other ways rather than this one.

Enjoyed Zack Braff and wish we could've seen more of him. Later on he does the voice of the monkey, Finley.

The land of Oz is beautiful! A job well-done was done with the set design and effort to stay "true" to the story.

I was not impressed by Mila Kunis as Theodora. Maybe it has to do with her persona, but she didn't convince me that she is evil and wicked.

The only casting decision I agree with is that of Michelle Williams as Glinda. She radiates goodness throughout the film.

Rachel Weisz has had better roles than this one as Evanora. She is another actress that is better off playing a heroine than a "bad guy."

The script was not consistent and I wonder if there's a sequel or remake of the original that someone in Hollywood will try to ruin.

Casting-wise, well, it should have been better. This is Disney! This is The Wizard of Oz (prequel)! Putting the set design and visual effects aside, it was like watching a high school production.

Trick or Treat

Trick or Treat! (Shouldn’t a question mark end that phrase?)

Pagan believes have invaded in our psyche that the last days in October to Nov 2 our dearly departed roam around and should be honored with candles, flowers and all kinds of offerings. 

Popular culture has corrupted such ideas of spirits, ghosts, restless souls, hobgoblins and in turn, has turned them into evil witches and macabre monsters that hunt us mercilessly and inexplicably beg for candy on Halloween.   

What if there are such entities which haunt us?  But these only live in our minds and pasts.  Sure, some can be minor little nuisances that can even make us laugh, and others, not so much.  Wish they came with a previous warning, but more often than not, they are caused by an unexpected trigger. 

There are moments when I feel myself diverging between the past as I am moving on forward. I would like to pretend that some of those monsters didn’t exist, as their echoes still are heard in my head from time to time. Hate it when they creep out and disturb my mind. Burying a past doesn’t mean that it will seize to exist. (period)

Detours

Sometimes success brings detours.  I had my life (this semester) planned around failure, but success came along and changed everything. Never did I imagine passing a math class on my first attempt, but it happened.  Maybe the amazing professor deserves all the credit, but I also worked my butt off, literally coming to tears. 

I’ve gotten use to disappointments and failures over the years, especially pertaining to mathematics.  Something so…. easy for some, and yet a complete challenge for me.  Not all will admit publicly their “failures”, but I have.  I’ve shared my frustration not to get sympathy, but just for the sake of sharing and releasing to the universe feelings of inadequacy.

However, I don't sit still absorbing a defeat, but rather, do something about it.  I seek help, look for alternatives, accept failure, learn from it, be at peace and move on.  Failure is neither good nor bad, but I don't want it to define me.  Failure is what it is and necessary, just like success. 

 There’s a difference between being a complete failure and just failing at something.   In my case, I’ve failed not for not trying, but for a failed education system that passed me along and didn’t really prepare me for the future.   No matter what public school administrators say, education is not equal.   Ironically I’ve ended up working in the public schools and have witnessed the failures of the system till this day.  

Not sure how success is really measure by most people, but I’ve been able to accomplish a few things here and there.  I’m a caring person and go out of my way to help others- is that success?  I haven’t accumulated money or wealth, but have earned love and to some point, respect.   I live an honest life and try to leave this world a bit better off each day.

On to other things:

Two and a half months after starting my diet, I’ve lost 26 lbs.!  These past 2 weeks have been stressful and I’ve been tested, but the plan is still there.  My hope is to keep losing and moving on to phase 2 next month.

Birthday? What birthday?

32, XXXII, thirty-two.  This past week I celebrated by 32^nd birthday.  It was just an ordinary day, nothing special really, but at the same time it was important in many aspects.  I shouldn’t look back to the past, but I do enjoy reflecting on certain thoughts that nourish the soul.

I didn’t have the fanfare of a childhood birthday with a theme and matching cups, plates and character on the cake.  Actually, I didn’t even have cake!  I don’t have vivid memories of my birthdays as a kid, just bits and pieces that form a bittersweet collage.  

As a kid I felt birthdays were a special “event” that required a lot of planning and preparation.  Mom and grandma would start a month or two ahead of time to make sure everything was ready for the “big day”.   When I look back at those stupid celebrations I wonder why we even had them in the first place.   Birthdays celebrations at my house were an opportunity to invite people over who would otherwise were not welcomed other times of the year.  

The older I got, the more I realized that the parties, like Christmas, were to present a façade of being “middle class” even when we really weren’t.  That was true also for the invited guests who sometimes presented gifts that were beyond their means. Do remember receiving a purse one year and that made me feel “grown up”.  

With the passing of the time birthdays became irrelevant for me.  I don’t like to be celebrated, but LOVE to celebrate others, my loved ones. This is a catch 22, since they feel the same.  My last real birthday party was when I was 11 at a Pizza Hut.  Don’t remember more specifics, other than it happened.  

As a teen I was too jaded to celebrate anything and don’t even remember celebrating my “sweet 16”. But I’m pretty sure that it involved a trip to the record store, which no longer exist.  If anyone would’ve told me 16 years ago that one day I would be 32 and there would be virtually no record stores around I would’ve said they’re crazy!

Actually, when I was 16 I didn’t see numbers or age, but rather, goals.  I had goals to achieve and haven’t reached most of them yet.  I didn’t see myself where I am today with a low paying job, still in school, broke, and living at home. 

I know, I know.  I can’t and shouldn’t compare myself to others, but sometimes can’t help myself.  When my grandparents were 32 they already had already been married for more than a decade, had a child, grandfather had a career, and grandma worked from home.  Not to mentioned they had travelled the States, and overseas, and were homeowners.   

By the time my mom was 32 she had her M.A.Ed., and was working on her PhD (didn't finish due to motherhood), had a fulfilling career with accolades, and her travels extended to Europe.  She didn’t have me until 2 years later and sister arrived 2 years after that.  

31 was relatively a happy age, with a few headaches and obstacles that were overcome, even when I thought it would be impossible.  32 has already been happy, but stressful.  Many difficult decisions need to be made in the coming days, but I feel I had the wisdom and self-awareness to decide what is best for me.  It’s also a time to reinvent myself, not give up on certain goals, but adjust them to reality and most importantly, trust in myself and what I can accomplish.

In less than 2 months I’ve lost 19 lbs on Atkins and expect to lose more.  Never did I imagine that was possible and that I would have the inner strength to achieve it.  In lieu of cake, I enjoyed a low carb ice cream bar that was more than satisfying. Here’s to 32!

Coffee, please

Coffee is a simple pleasure that nurtures my spirit.  It doesn't take much to prepare it, other that carefully measuring the right amount of beans to grind, and water to percolate (or French Press).  Like some form of wizard creating a magic potion, I play with the ratio of water to beans, in order to create the desired strength. 

Opening the bag and inhaling the sweet aroma of roasted coffee beans awakens all of my senses.  I love to admire the beans- some are dark and strong and range down to a golden hue.  Just to think that a I'm mere minutes away from enjoying a pleasure brings a smile to my face.  Anticipation is the word!

Coffee has always been in my life, even as a child, always enriching moments of a hectic life.  Perhaps I should embark and review some of the fantastic coffees I've tried.  

Now with the extended induction period on Atkins, there are limited treats that I can have, and I'm glad coffee, in moderation, is one of them.  I've lost over 10 lbs with more to lose, so I make coffee a great start to my day nurturing me to conquer the world or at least tame a few dragons.

I received a scented coffee bouquet for my upcoming birthday, and can't imagine anything more delightful.