Birthday? What birthday?

32, XXXII, thirty-two.  This past week I celebrated by 32^nd birthday.  It was just an ordinary day, nothing special really, but at the same time it was important in many aspects.  I shouldn’t look back to the past, but I do enjoy reflecting on certain thoughts that nourish the soul.

I didn’t have the fanfare of a childhood birthday with a theme and matching cups, plates and character on the cake.  Actually, I didn’t even have cake!  I don’t have vivid memories of my birthdays as a kid, just bits and pieces that form a bittersweet collage.  

As a kid I felt birthdays were a special “event” that required a lot of planning and preparation.  Mom and grandma would start a month or two ahead of time to make sure everything was ready for the “big day”.   When I look back at those stupid celebrations I wonder why we even had them in the first place.   Birthdays celebrations at my house were an opportunity to invite people over who would otherwise were not welcomed other times of the year.  

The older I got, the more I realized that the parties, like Christmas, were to present a façade of being “middle class” even when we really weren’t.  That was true also for the invited guests who sometimes presented gifts that were beyond their means. Do remember receiving a purse one year and that made me feel “grown up”.  

With the passing of the time birthdays became irrelevant for me.  I don’t like to be celebrated, but LOVE to celebrate others, my loved ones. This is a catch 22, since they feel the same.  My last real birthday party was when I was 11 at a Pizza Hut.  Don’t remember more specifics, other than it happened.  

As a teen I was too jaded to celebrate anything and don’t even remember celebrating my “sweet 16”. But I’m pretty sure that it involved a trip to the record store, which no longer exist.  If anyone would’ve told me 16 years ago that one day I would be 32 and there would be virtually no record stores around I would’ve said they’re crazy!

Actually, when I was 16 I didn’t see numbers or age, but rather, goals.  I had goals to achieve and haven’t reached most of them yet.  I didn’t see myself where I am today with a low paying job, still in school, broke, and living at home. 

I know, I know.  I can’t and shouldn’t compare myself to others, but sometimes can’t help myself.  When my grandparents were 32 they already had already been married for more than a decade, had a child, grandfather had a career, and grandma worked from home.  Not to mentioned they had travelled the States, and overseas, and were homeowners.   

By the time my mom was 32 she had her M.A.Ed., and was working on her PhD (didn't finish due to motherhood), had a fulfilling career with accolades, and her travels extended to Europe.  She didn’t have me until 2 years later and sister arrived 2 years after that.  

31 was relatively a happy age, with a few headaches and obstacles that were overcome, even when I thought it would be impossible.  32 has already been happy, but stressful.  Many difficult decisions need to be made in the coming days, but I feel I had the wisdom and self-awareness to decide what is best for me.  It’s also a time to reinvent myself, not give up on certain goals, but adjust them to reality and most importantly, trust in myself and what I can accomplish.

In less than 2 months I’ve lost 19 lbs on Atkins and expect to lose more.  Never did I imagine that was possible and that I would have the inner strength to achieve it.  In lieu of cake, I enjoyed a low carb ice cream bar that was more than satisfying. Here’s to 32!