Trick or Treat

Trick or Treat! (Shouldn’t a question mark end that phrase?)

Pagan believes have invaded in our psyche that the last days in October to Nov 2 our dearly departed roam around and should be honored with candles, flowers and all kinds of offerings. 

Popular culture has corrupted such ideas of spirits, ghosts, restless souls, hobgoblins and in turn, has turned them into evil witches and macabre monsters that hunt us mercilessly and inexplicably beg for candy on Halloween.   

What if there are such entities which haunt us?  But these only live in our minds and pasts.  Sure, some can be minor little nuisances that can even make us laugh, and others, not so much.  Wish they came with a previous warning, but more often than not, they are caused by an unexpected trigger. 

There are moments when I feel myself diverging between the past as I am moving on forward. I would like to pretend that some of those monsters didn’t exist, as their echoes still are heard in my head from time to time. Hate it when they creep out and disturb my mind. Burying a past doesn’t mean that it will seize to exist. (period)

Detours

Sometimes success brings detours.  I had my life (this semester) planned around failure, but success came along and changed everything. Never did I imagine passing a math class on my first attempt, but it happened.  Maybe the amazing professor deserves all the credit, but I also worked my butt off, literally coming to tears. 

I’ve gotten use to disappointments and failures over the years, especially pertaining to mathematics.  Something so…. easy for some, and yet a complete challenge for me.  Not all will admit publicly their “failures”, but I have.  I’ve shared my frustration not to get sympathy, but just for the sake of sharing and releasing to the universe feelings of inadequacy.

However, I don't sit still absorbing a defeat, but rather, do something about it.  I seek help, look for alternatives, accept failure, learn from it, be at peace and move on.  Failure is neither good nor bad, but I don't want it to define me.  Failure is what it is and necessary, just like success. 

 There’s a difference between being a complete failure and just failing at something.   In my case, I’ve failed not for not trying, but for a failed education system that passed me along and didn’t really prepare me for the future.   No matter what public school administrators say, education is not equal.   Ironically I’ve ended up working in the public schools and have witnessed the failures of the system till this day.  

Not sure how success is really measure by most people, but I’ve been able to accomplish a few things here and there.  I’m a caring person and go out of my way to help others- is that success?  I haven’t accumulated money or wealth, but have earned love and to some point, respect.   I live an honest life and try to leave this world a bit better off each day.

On to other things:

Two and a half months after starting my diet, I’ve lost 26 lbs.!  These past 2 weeks have been stressful and I’ve been tested, but the plan is still there.  My hope is to keep losing and moving on to phase 2 next month.

Birthday? What birthday?

32, XXXII, thirty-two.  This past week I celebrated by 32^nd birthday.  It was just an ordinary day, nothing special really, but at the same time it was important in many aspects.  I shouldn’t look back to the past, but I do enjoy reflecting on certain thoughts that nourish the soul.

I didn’t have the fanfare of a childhood birthday with a theme and matching cups, plates and character on the cake.  Actually, I didn’t even have cake!  I don’t have vivid memories of my birthdays as a kid, just bits and pieces that form a bittersweet collage.  

As a kid I felt birthdays were a special “event” that required a lot of planning and preparation.  Mom and grandma would start a month or two ahead of time to make sure everything was ready for the “big day”.   When I look back at those stupid celebrations I wonder why we even had them in the first place.   Birthdays celebrations at my house were an opportunity to invite people over who would otherwise were not welcomed other times of the year.  

The older I got, the more I realized that the parties, like Christmas, were to present a façade of being “middle class” even when we really weren’t.  That was true also for the invited guests who sometimes presented gifts that were beyond their means. Do remember receiving a purse one year and that made me feel “grown up”.  

With the passing of the time birthdays became irrelevant for me.  I don’t like to be celebrated, but LOVE to celebrate others, my loved ones. This is a catch 22, since they feel the same.  My last real birthday party was when I was 11 at a Pizza Hut.  Don’t remember more specifics, other than it happened.  

As a teen I was too jaded to celebrate anything and don’t even remember celebrating my “sweet 16”. But I’m pretty sure that it involved a trip to the record store, which no longer exist.  If anyone would’ve told me 16 years ago that one day I would be 32 and there would be virtually no record stores around I would’ve said they’re crazy!

Actually, when I was 16 I didn’t see numbers or age, but rather, goals.  I had goals to achieve and haven’t reached most of them yet.  I didn’t see myself where I am today with a low paying job, still in school, broke, and living at home. 

I know, I know.  I can’t and shouldn’t compare myself to others, but sometimes can’t help myself.  When my grandparents were 32 they already had already been married for more than a decade, had a child, grandfather had a career, and grandma worked from home.  Not to mentioned they had travelled the States, and overseas, and were homeowners.   

By the time my mom was 32 she had her M.A.Ed., and was working on her PhD (didn't finish due to motherhood), had a fulfilling career with accolades, and her travels extended to Europe.  She didn’t have me until 2 years later and sister arrived 2 years after that.  

31 was relatively a happy age, with a few headaches and obstacles that were overcome, even when I thought it would be impossible.  32 has already been happy, but stressful.  Many difficult decisions need to be made in the coming days, but I feel I had the wisdom and self-awareness to decide what is best for me.  It’s also a time to reinvent myself, not give up on certain goals, but adjust them to reality and most importantly, trust in myself and what I can accomplish.

In less than 2 months I’ve lost 19 lbs on Atkins and expect to lose more.  Never did I imagine that was possible and that I would have the inner strength to achieve it.  In lieu of cake, I enjoyed a low carb ice cream bar that was more than satisfying. Here’s to 32!

Coffee, please

Coffee is a simple pleasure that nurtures my spirit.  It doesn't take much to prepare it, other that carefully measuring the right amount of beans to grind, and water to percolate (or French Press).  Like some form of wizard creating a magic potion, I play with the ratio of water to beans, in order to create the desired strength. 

Opening the bag and inhaling the sweet aroma of roasted coffee beans awakens all of my senses.  I love to admire the beans- some are dark and strong and range down to a golden hue.  Just to think that a I'm mere minutes away from enjoying a pleasure brings a smile to my face.  Anticipation is the word!

Coffee has always been in my life, even as a child, always enriching moments of a hectic life.  Perhaps I should embark and review some of the fantastic coffees I've tried.  

Now with the extended induction period on Atkins, there are limited treats that I can have, and I'm glad coffee, in moderation, is one of them.  I've lost over 10 lbs with more to lose, so I make coffee a great start to my day nurturing me to conquer the world or at least tame a few dragons.

I received a scented coffee bouquet for my upcoming birthday, and can't imagine anything more delightful.

10 days later

Ten successful days have passed and 7-8 pounds have been lost. I'm proud of what I've achieved and lost.  It hasn't been extremely difficult to stay on this diet, but I'm sure it can be to others.  

I'm taking things slow- one day at a time! I have a goal to reach, how specific, don't know yet.  I'm not alone in this and it's a good feeling.  Being part of an online Atkins community has helped in some support for me, and also in cheering others on.  

I put all things in perspective, and I've noticed that others have had it easier and even more difficult than me.  Weight loss, for whatever reason, is a journey that is very individual because not two people have the same needs or support.  Also, self-esteem plays a big role.  My head is not filled with doubts at this time, but it doesn't mean it won't happen later on.  What is important that if ever such feelings and thoughts set in, to not let them paralyze me with fear or intimidation.

 

I've seen this picture/message many times in cute, funny emails that have been forwarded to me, and now I can really laugh at it with gusto. I have not lost 2 weeks; I've lost pounds.  Most importantly, I've gained knowledge.

Just because I've made the commitment to a lifestyle change doesn't mean that I will stop living. I just need to have moderation in what I eat.  Food cannot be comforting if it will cause harm- eventually! 

I haven't felt hungry once during this induction period. As a matter of fact, I'm enjoying my meals and even doing the preparation for them!  Eating cauliflower "rice" was a pleasant surprise and I'm looking forward to fixing it again.  Maybe I'll share some recipes here later on. 

New journey

Been on a self-imposed hiatus for a couple of months now.  Decided to come back to blogging because I have a specific reason to do it now.  Who knows if this page/posts will ever get read, but I would like to document the new journey I started last week. 

To be "real" with myself I must say that I'm sick of sabotaging myself.  Part of this sabotage has been in gaining weight to the point of being extremely overweight due to my height.

I haven't had any health issues related to my weight, but for how long can I keep that up?  I'm not getting any younger and I know that with each day we get older, the more difficult it is to lose the extra weight I carry around.  Yes, I'm fat, proud BBW who loves her curves, but I've reached my limit.

My previous attempts to lose weight have been perhaps a couple that were mostly with exercise, not so much diet change.  In those previous attempts I noticed results, but I gave up once that happened.  Hate to see people on TV saying they have "tried every diet under the sun" and nothing has worked.  I wonder how much truth there is in that and if they're lying to themselves.

It's very important to realize two things: I do NOT sit around all day eating junk food and feeding my feelings away with toxins.  My diet is somewhat healthy and I love to indulge with fruits and veggies.  As a matter of fact, I consume very small amounts of meat.  I do have a somewhat sedentary job and little physical activity.  Plus, I've been known to eat a few wrong foods when stress gets to me.

My motivation is not to get into a bikini or a a formal dress or whatever- it's simply health.  I'm not setting long-term goals yet.  So... as of June 21st, 2012 I've been doing Atkins.  Low-carb it is for me! So far hasn't been too bad, but some mild urges are there.  Today wasn't so easy-breezy due to some stressful factors and I made it!!!  Yesterday I did Pilates for 15 minutes and today walked for 20.

This is a new beginning.

(Sigh)

It's Monday all over ahead and I'm facing a challenging week at work.  Lord, have mercy of my soul and grant me the patience to deal with difficult people.