Birthday? What birthday?

32, XXXII, thirty-two.  This past week I celebrated by 32^nd birthday.  It was just an ordinary day, nothing special really, but at the same time it was important in many aspects.  I shouldn’t look back to the past, but I do enjoy reflecting on certain thoughts that nourish the soul.

I didn’t have the fanfare of a childhood birthday with a theme and matching cups, plates and character on the cake.  Actually, I didn’t even have cake!  I don’t have vivid memories of my birthdays as a kid, just bits and pieces that form a bittersweet collage.  

As a kid I felt birthdays were a special “event” that required a lot of planning and preparation.  Mom and grandma would start a month or two ahead of time to make sure everything was ready for the “big day”.   When I look back at those stupid celebrations I wonder why we even had them in the first place.   Birthdays celebrations at my house were an opportunity to invite people over who would otherwise were not welcomed other times of the year.  

The older I got, the more I realized that the parties, like Christmas, were to present a façade of being “middle class” even when we really weren’t.  That was true also for the invited guests who sometimes presented gifts that were beyond their means. Do remember receiving a purse one year and that made me feel “grown up”.  

With the passing of the time birthdays became irrelevant for me.  I don’t like to be celebrated, but LOVE to celebrate others, my loved ones. This is a catch 22, since they feel the same.  My last real birthday party was when I was 11 at a Pizza Hut.  Don’t remember more specifics, other than it happened.  

As a teen I was too jaded to celebrate anything and don’t even remember celebrating my “sweet 16”. But I’m pretty sure that it involved a trip to the record store, which no longer exist.  If anyone would’ve told me 16 years ago that one day I would be 32 and there would be virtually no record stores around I would’ve said they’re crazy!

Actually, when I was 16 I didn’t see numbers or age, but rather, goals.  I had goals to achieve and haven’t reached most of them yet.  I didn’t see myself where I am today with a low paying job, still in school, broke, and living at home. 

I know, I know.  I can’t and shouldn’t compare myself to others, but sometimes can’t help myself.  When my grandparents were 32 they already had already been married for more than a decade, had a child, grandfather had a career, and grandma worked from home.  Not to mentioned they had travelled the States, and overseas, and were homeowners.   

By the time my mom was 32 she had her M.A.Ed., and was working on her PhD (didn't finish due to motherhood), had a fulfilling career with accolades, and her travels extended to Europe.  She didn’t have me until 2 years later and sister arrived 2 years after that.  

31 was relatively a happy age, with a few headaches and obstacles that were overcome, even when I thought it would be impossible.  32 has already been happy, but stressful.  Many difficult decisions need to be made in the coming days, but I feel I had the wisdom and self-awareness to decide what is best for me.  It’s also a time to reinvent myself, not give up on certain goals, but adjust them to reality and most importantly, trust in myself and what I can accomplish.

In less than 2 months I’ve lost 19 lbs on Atkins and expect to lose more.  Never did I imagine that was possible and that I would have the inner strength to achieve it.  In lieu of cake, I enjoyed a low carb ice cream bar that was more than satisfying. Here’s to 32!

Coffee, please

Coffee is a simple pleasure that nurtures my spirit.  It doesn't take much to prepare it, other that carefully measuring the right amount of beans to grind, and water to percolate (or French Press).  Like some form of wizard creating a magic potion, I play with the ratio of water to beans, in order to create the desired strength. 

Opening the bag and inhaling the sweet aroma of roasted coffee beans awakens all of my senses.  I love to admire the beans- some are dark and strong and range down to a golden hue.  Just to think that a I'm mere minutes away from enjoying a pleasure brings a smile to my face.  Anticipation is the word!

Coffee has always been in my life, even as a child, always enriching moments of a hectic life.  Perhaps I should embark and review some of the fantastic coffees I've tried.  

Now with the extended induction period on Atkins, there are limited treats that I can have, and I'm glad coffee, in moderation, is one of them.  I've lost over 10 lbs with more to lose, so I make coffee a great start to my day nurturing me to conquer the world or at least tame a few dragons.

I received a scented coffee bouquet for my upcoming birthday, and can't imagine anything more delightful.

10 days later

Ten successful days have passed and 7-8 pounds have been lost. I'm proud of what I've achieved and lost.  It hasn't been extremely difficult to stay on this diet, but I'm sure it can be to others.  

I'm taking things slow- one day at a time! I have a goal to reach, how specific, don't know yet.  I'm not alone in this and it's a good feeling.  Being part of an online Atkins community has helped in some support for me, and also in cheering others on.  

I put all things in perspective, and I've noticed that others have had it easier and even more difficult than me.  Weight loss, for whatever reason, is a journey that is very individual because not two people have the same needs or support.  Also, self-esteem plays a big role.  My head is not filled with doubts at this time, but it doesn't mean it won't happen later on.  What is important that if ever such feelings and thoughts set in, to not let them paralyze me with fear or intimidation.

 

I've seen this picture/message many times in cute, funny emails that have been forwarded to me, and now I can really laugh at it with gusto. I have not lost 2 weeks; I've lost pounds.  Most importantly, I've gained knowledge.

Just because I've made the commitment to a lifestyle change doesn't mean that I will stop living. I just need to have moderation in what I eat.  Food cannot be comforting if it will cause harm- eventually! 

I haven't felt hungry once during this induction period. As a matter of fact, I'm enjoying my meals and even doing the preparation for them!  Eating cauliflower "rice" was a pleasant surprise and I'm looking forward to fixing it again.  Maybe I'll share some recipes here later on. 

New journey

Been on a self-imposed hiatus for a couple of months now.  Decided to come back to blogging because I have a specific reason to do it now.  Who knows if this page/posts will ever get read, but I would like to document the new journey I started last week. 

To be "real" with myself I must say that I'm sick of sabotaging myself.  Part of this sabotage has been in gaining weight to the point of being extremely overweight due to my height.

I haven't had any health issues related to my weight, but for how long can I keep that up?  I'm not getting any younger and I know that with each day we get older, the more difficult it is to lose the extra weight I carry around.  Yes, I'm fat, proud BBW who loves her curves, but I've reached my limit.

My previous attempts to lose weight have been perhaps a couple that were mostly with exercise, not so much diet change.  In those previous attempts I noticed results, but I gave up once that happened.  Hate to see people on TV saying they have "tried every diet under the sun" and nothing has worked.  I wonder how much truth there is in that and if they're lying to themselves.

It's very important to realize two things: I do NOT sit around all day eating junk food and feeding my feelings away with toxins.  My diet is somewhat healthy and I love to indulge with fruits and veggies.  As a matter of fact, I consume very small amounts of meat.  I do have a somewhat sedentary job and little physical activity.  Plus, I've been known to eat a few wrong foods when stress gets to me.

My motivation is not to get into a bikini or a a formal dress or whatever- it's simply health.  I'm not setting long-term goals yet.  So... as of June 21st, 2012 I've been doing Atkins.  Low-carb it is for me! So far hasn't been too bad, but some mild urges are there.  Today wasn't so easy-breezy due to some stressful factors and I made it!!!  Yesterday I did Pilates for 15 minutes and today walked for 20.

This is a new beginning.

(Sigh)

It's Monday all over ahead and I'm facing a challenging week at work.  Lord, have mercy of my soul and grant me the patience to deal with difficult people.

Oration of Jonas by Ernesto Santana Zaldivar

Blessed are those who come and go but always remain.

Still castaways and sad. Still stained, or blind or crazed with pain.

Blessed are those who die and live and never tire of being born and never tire of being one, of being another. 

Blessed are those who go from the light to the shade without paling and from the shade to the light without losing us.

Those that love the minimal, the beautiful, the rough, the moon, the waves, you.

Blessed are the lips of the wound that opens a shooting star in the sky.

 

Blessed are those who go and come but never stay.

Blessed is he who saves his fistful of earth

and hoards some thread of wind, some verse of love.

Blessed is the breeze that doesn’t wish to be a storm

and the seed in which the making tree sees itself.

Blessed is he who does not hate the pain of living because for him death does not pluck out his eyes.

Blessed is he who finds the world here and the infinite now.

The eternal stranger of oneself, the unsalvageable castaway.

Blessed is he who rips with the mask his own face.

Talentless is the new talented

“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”  Socrates

It’s no secret that I can be, and usually am very critical of the society we live in.  Although I believe our values as a unit have deteriorated, it’s probably the same belief that has always existed with each generation.  

Yes, we are more accepting of our differences and diversity and we no longer burn people at the stake (for the most part) for being different. But in my view, we do far worst damage to all of society by being go to the extreme and embracing certain behaviors and attitudes that are damaging.

 When did it become acceptable to lower our standards as a society?  Instead of desiring to excel and accomplish “greatness” as a society, it has become all about living empty lives filled with narcissism, material abundance and lies we tell the world and ourselves.  Nowadays it seems to be wrong to be a person who achieves and contributes with hard work and talent. 

 

There’s an oversaturation on tv and all mass-media of fame-whores, talentless creatures and gold-diggers out there, which to me is unprecedented.  All of the sudden these people who have never read a book land book deals, clothing lines, perfumes, and an abundance of worthless merchandize to sell to those who have no other aspiration but to be equally narcissistic, self-centered and talentless as the stars they admire. 

To label these individuals as “reality stars” (It’s not reality, people!!!)  is preposterous and an insult to those who work very hard and can’t get anywhere.  What do they contribute to our lives and society?  For instant fame we just need to make a fool of ourselves and it is done!  

Again, why have we lowered our standards?  Why is talentless the new talented?  Have we failed as parents or as a society in general?  Have we failed ourselves?  I see a big problem when these lack of values become our values and are transferred on to our daily lives with little regard for the consequences that are real and seldom experienced by the reality stars themselves. 

Stepping off my soapbox now.